Birthday Jokes

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My wife called and gave me a list of things she’d like to do for her 32nd birthday.
I replied, “There’s no way can we do all that in 30 seconds!”

A man walks into a seafood store carrying a trout under his arm.
“Do you make fish cakes?” he asked.
“Yes, we do,” replied the fishmonger.
“Great,” said the man. “It’s his birthday.”


It was grandpa Beeston’s 100th birthday and his health was still perfect. During his birthday celebration, his grandson asked how he was able to stay so young and fit.

He explained, “I chalk up my long life to spending as much time as I can outdoors. I have spent the last 75 years outside, rain or shine, taking in the fresh, clean air.”

“Wow grandpa! How do you manage to keep up such an intense exercise routine?” he asked.

“It’s easy,” he said. “When I married your grandmother 75 years ago, we made a promise to each other on our wedding night. We decided that when we had an argument whoever was wrong would have to head outside and take a long walk.”


A couple called their neighbour to wish them happy birthday.

They dialed the number, put it on speak phone, and sang their hearts out. However, when they finished their horribly off key rendition, the realised they called the wrong number.

“Don’t worry you two,” replied the stranger, “you need all of the practice you can get!”


My son wants a new iPhone for his 16th birthday.
I said, ‘No problem! Just get good grades, do the chores, and follow the rules I set.”
Otherwise, he’s getting a cheap phone. Around here it’s my way or the Huawei.


 


With my wife’s birthday coming up, I asked her what she would like for a present.
‘I don’t know honey,’ she said. ‘I would love something with diamonds.’
And so I gave her a deck of playing cards…

 


I made you a delicious cake for your birthday, but I couldn’t light the candles. I guess the county requires a permit for bonfires.

 


What does a turtle do on his birthday? He shell-a-brates!

 


“Growing old is inevitable, but growing up is optional.”

 


If you have 23 people in the same room, there is a 50% chance that two of them will share the same birthday. (Mathematics have proven this)

 


Every year on my birthday, I would look forward to receiving a handmade scarf or hat from my favorite aunt Eloise. Well, she must have had be pretty preoccupied this year because when my package arrived in the mail, like it has for the past 27 years, it contained a couple balls of yarn, a set of knitting needles, and a how to book on knitting. The card attached simply said, “Scarf. Some assembly required.”