An actuary: A person who would take a bomb on a plane because it would lower the chances of another bomb being on it!
How do accountants liven up their office parties? They invite an undertaker.
There are 3 types of accountant
Those who can count and those who can’t.
An accountant was having difficulty getting to sleep at night so she went to see her doctor.
“Have you tried counting sheep?” enquired the doctor.
“Yeah that’s the problem,” yawned the accountant “When I make a mistake I spend 6 hours trying to find it!”
Daughter: Dad, what does CPA stand for?
Dad: Can’t Pass Again
Son I want to teach you about tax.
Hand over 30% of your ice cream.
Hey dad what’s an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humour.
Where do homeless accountants live? In a tax shelter!
The four laws of accounting:
- Trial balances don’t.
- Bank reconciliations never do.
- Working capital does not.
- Return on investments never will.
What’s the difference between the male sperm and an accountant?
The sperm has a chance of becoming human.
Did you hear about the constipated accountant?
He had a ton of paper work to do but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t budget.
So he decided to work it out with a pencil.
What do accountants use for birth control?
There are two rules for creating a successful accountancy business
- don’t tell them everything you know
Why did the accountant stare into his bottle of apple juice for two hours?
Because the label said ‘concentrate’.
How many accountants does it take to change a lightbulb?
How many did it take last year?
How does Santa’s accountant value Santa’s sleigh? Net Present Value!
Dad: Hey son, did you hear that new accounting joke?
Dad: It was accrual joke!
Father: Why are there no midget accountants?
Son: I don’t know, why?
Father: Because they always come up short!
Why was the accountant so excited that she completed the jigsaw puzzle in 59 weeks?
Because on the box it said 2 – 6 years!