Baby Jokes

What is the best time to wean your baby from nursing?
When you start to see teeth marks.


A pregnant patient goes to visit her doctor’s office. She tells the doctor that she is two months pregnant, and wants to know when her baby will move. The doctor looks down at the chart. After thinking for a minute or two, he tells the mother, right after it finishes college, if you’re lucky.


A husband agrees to take care of their baby while his wife goes to a conference for work in Chicago. About a week later, the mother comes home, and sees that the baby has not been changed in days. When she asks her husband why he hasn’t changed the baby, she tells her that the diaper package states “18 to 40 pounds”, and the baby’s diaper does not weight that much yet.



A woman gets on a bus with her baby, and the bus driver tells her that her baby is the ugliest baby that he has ever seen. The woman walks down the aisle on the bus and sits down. She tells the passenger beside her what had just happened. The passenger tells her to go tell the driver off, and he will hold her monkey while she is doing so.


What is the difference between a man and childbirth?
One is terribly painful, and often times unbearable, while the other is simply having a baby.


Two old men, Jake and Bill are sitting on a bench. Jake says to Bill, “I’m 85 years old, and every one of my bones ache. You are my age, how do you feel”? Bill replied, “I feel like a newborn baby”. Jake stares at him in disbelief, and asks how that is possible. Bill tells him, “I have no hair, no teeth, and I think that I just wet my pants”.