Wedding Jokes

I think men who have a pierced ear are better equipped for marriage. They’ve experienced agony and bought jewelry.

For my wedding, I was married by a judge. What I didn’t realize is that I probably should have asked for a jury.

A mother attended a wedding with her young daughter. It was her daughter’s first time ever going to a wedding. When the bride began walking down the aisle, the girl turned to her mother and asked, “Why is the bride’s dress all white?” The mother looked at her daughter and whispered, “Well, that’s because white is the color of happiness and today is probably the happiest day of her life.” The child had a perplexed look on her face and then asked her mother, “That’s nice mommy but then why is the groom wearing all black?”

The night before the big day, the groom approached the minister at the wedding rehearsal with a suggestion for the ceremony the next day.

He said to the minister, “I’ll give you $100 if you can make a last minute change to my wedding vows. The part where I’m supposed to promise to love, honor, and obey and forsake all others, and be faithful to her forever. Do you think you could just leave that part out all together?” The minister looked at the groom inquisitively and took the cash. The groom walked away satisfied and with a smirk on his face.

The next day at the ceremony, it was time for the minister to recite the wedding vows. Sure of his deal, the groom smirks at the minister just before he starts speaking. The minister looked backed at the man and then recited the vows, “Will you promise to lay down before her, obey her every request and demand, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your beautiful wife that you will never so much as glance at another woman, as long as you both shall live?” Nervously and confused, the man replied, “Yes.”

He then looked awkwardly at the minister and whispered, “Hey! I thought we had a deal?” The minister quickly pulls out the $100 bill and looks at groom and says, “We did, but your wife made me a much better offer.”

Be sure to keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, then half shut afterwards.

What's the deal with wedding cakes? They're like a tiered system for your future weight gain!
What’s the deal with wedding cakes? They’re like a tiered system for your future weight gain!

Have you ever noticed how weddings always have an open bar? It’s like they’re saying, “Hey, we know you don’t really want to be here, but here’s some alcohol to make it bearable.”

Why do they call it a bridal “shower”? Is it because the bride’s about to dive into the deep end of marriage?

You ever notice how grooms always say “I do” at weddings? It’s more like, “I do… for now, until I figure out how the remote control works.”

What’s the deal with the bouquet toss? It’s like a game of hot potato, but with flowers and desperation.

Have you ever noticed that at a wedding, the best man always has a speech prepared? It’s like the groom’s last chance to hear some jokes before he’s married and laughter is a distant memory.

You know what’s strange about weddings? They’re the only time when people are expected to dance with complete strangers, but it’s considered rude to refuse. Awkward!

Why do we have a rehearsal dinner before the wedding? Is it like a practice run for all the family arguments to come?

What’s the deal with the wedding DJ? It’s like they took a time machine back to the 80s and brought the cheesiest guy they could find.

Have you ever noticed that when a couple gets married, everyone always says “congratulations” to the groom? It’s like they’re saying, “Good job, buddy, you finally convinced someone to put up with you for life!”